Opportunity or Oppression? Finances in Marriage

It is no surprise that finances in marriage are one of the most, if not the most fought about issue in marriage. Finances can be stressful, overwhelming, frustrating, and sometimes halt growth within your marriage. As such, it is important to take time to prioritize your financial discussions rather than avoid them.

“Money is either the best or the worst area of communication in our marriages.” – Larry Burkett

Consider these scenarios regarding finances in marriage:

• Nina and Tom have been married for one year. They came into their marriage head-over-heels in love but had not taken the time to sit down and make a budget and plan financially. This has since driven a wedge between them and halted their communication because they both came into their marriage with debt and different opinions of financial priorities.
• Susan and Tim have been married for five years and usually live paycheck to paycheck. They are thankful that their bills are always paid, even if their bank account is drained before the next payday. Susan and Tim recently found out that they are expecting, and Susan wants to be a stay-at-home mom, but she is not sure how they are going to compensate for losing her paycheck. This has since driven a wedge between them as they are unsure of how to proceed and move forward in the decision-making process.
• Betty and Caleb have been married for three years and are going through an exceedingly difficult time in their marriage because they have still not merged their bank accounts. They have split the bills between the two of them and feel that they are both very personal people and do not want to share their banking information with the other person. This often causes tension when there is a discussion about new bills that need to be separated and figured out.

Tips for Dealing with Finances in Marriage

Perhaps you can relate to one of these couples, or you have battled your own financial struggles and disagreements with your spouse. The topic of finance is one that can bring opportunity or oppression within your marriage. You can choose to let it separate you or draw you closer together.

Here are some steps to consider helping you choose opportunity rather than oppression:

Sit down and plan.

Whether you have been married for six months, two years, or fifteen years, it is not too late to sit down and make a plan. You must be on the same page and have a budget, financial goals, and a plan to pay off your debt and save for the future.

The first step to achieving financial success is to realize that you are a team and to go about your “business” working together. Marriage rifts can continue to escalate if you are not on the same page as to what and who you spend your money on.

Know there will be financial highs and lows.

It is important to realize that every marriage faces financial obstacles. Some go through periods of major financial stress that lead to tossing and turning every night because there are so many overdue bills. There are periods of taking out loans for education, car payments that seem endless, and an unexpected medical diagnosis that leads to treatments that are out of financial reach.

Couples must take a deep breath together. Plan together. Pray together. Seek the advice of a professional together. Even if one person is the sole financial provider, you are still a team and should carry the weight of decision-making together.

Try to be on the same page.

“Money is an opportunity to reach unity in marriage. When couples work together, they can do anything.” Money presents an opportunity to have difficult conversations. Sometimes you get to say “yes” and sometimes you have to say “no,” even if you desperately want a new shiny toy. You often hear it said “it is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission,” but marriage is more about having difficult conversations and making difficult decisions together.

You should be able to be authentic and vulnerable about your wants, desires, and needs – those are the things that start deep-rooted conversations that can help one another grow. A different perspective, a voice of reason, a cheerleader, an advocate – these are all the different roles that you can play with your spouse by simply having conversations about finances.

Have conversations about goals for the future.

As you think about having a family, careers, continued education, planning for retirement, and dreams for your future, it is important to begin talking about and planning for these things now. Set up a savings account. Talk about your dreams and goals regularly and know that things may continue to change and evolve along the way. Have the dream conversation and keep having them!

Here are a few thoughts to start with:

• If I could do anything with my money right now, I would…
• Is there anything about my spending about which we should talk?
• Is there anything that scares you about our current financial situation?
• When I think about my dreams for the future, I see…
• Do you feel like we are on track financially?

Let finances serve as a reminder that you are a team.

Finances can be a tricky thing. It is important to realize that major financial decisions should be made together. If a family member calls and asks for $1000 when your own finances are tight, it is important to agree with your spouse and prioritize your family.

While we should have willing hearts that want to serve others, it is also important to realize that cutting someone a $1000 check when your own finances are tight without talking to your spouse could very well cause a rift in your marriage. Marriage is about teamwork and making your spouse and family a priority.

Here are a few questions to start with:

• Do you think we are on track to pay off our debt or do we need to readjust some things?
• If a family member called and asked you for $1000, what would you say?
• Do you hope to buy our next car new or used?
• How do you feel about an emergency fund and should we plan for building one?
• Do you think there are any financial considerations for us at our parent’s age?
• How do you see us supporting our children in their education endeavors?
• Do you think your parents will ever live with us?
• Do you hope to leave our children an inheritance of any kind?

Always put God first.

It is important to remember that the guiding force of our marriage should not be money, but the Holy Spirit. Following Him does not guarantee immediate financial success nor a problem-free marriage, but He does offer hope, a different mindset on priorities and giving, and a genuine love that helps withstand the roller coasters of marriage.

Matthew 6:24 reminds us, “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.”

Money cannot guide our love nor our marriage because money comes and goes. Paychecks dwindle quickly at the end of the month, but we cannot let our raw conversations with our spouses fade.

We cannot stop having difficult conversations, setting big goals, financially planning for the future, and making our spouse the priority over the things that money can offer. We must also take time to be content with what we have while trusting God with an uncertain future. We can make plans, but we cannot control what the future brings.

Here are a few verses to read and pray over together, serving as a reminder that God has great plans for your finances, tithe/giving, and your future as a couple:

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. – Matthew 6:33

Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need. – Malachi 3:10

Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. – 2 Corinthians 9:7

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? – Matthew 6:25

As you go about discussing debt, previous financial and spending habits, or a hidden debt that has recently come to light that one of you was too afraid to bring up, then consider talking to a Christian Counselor who can aid you in repairing both your finances and any broken parts of your communication and marriage.

Every marriage has baggage, and every bank account has experienced its fair share of difficulties. You are not alone and can plan for a more hopeful financial future with your spouse if it is all feeling heavy and defeating today. Finances in marriage – will you choose opportunity or oppression?