How to Work through Relationship Issues

Can you relate to these relationship issues?

Megan is driving home from work tired from a long day. She pulls into the driveway and walks through the door. Her husband Jason is sitting on the couch watching TV. There’s no dinner in the kitchen.

“What’s the plan for dinner?” she asks, putting her purse on the entry table.

“I don’t know. What were you thinking?” he answers, without looking over.

“I thought we agreed you’d take care of dinner since you are working from home.”

“I know, but you are so much better at cooking. I figured I’d wait and let you take care of it.”

“You always make me take care of stuff like this, even though you have the extra time to do it since you are working from home. We already talked about this.”

“Look it’s not that big of a deal, I’ll just order something in.”

“I thought we agreed we were going to cook at home to save money. That’s why we decided you should take care of dinner while I finish work,” Megan snapped.

“Well, it’s too late now,” he retorted.

They ate take out Chinese food in silence that night.

Working through Relationship Issues

Any meaningful relationship is going to have issues. Many of you may relate to the tension in Megan and Jason’s story. That’s because theirs isn’t all that uncommon. In this brief anecdote alone, there are some serious points of conflict, including finances, communication, work-life balance, and even gender roles.

A silent dinner over takeout Chinese is not the desired end of this relational encounter. Unfortunately, many people find themselves in situations just like this. They are unhappy but don’t know what has gone wrong.

This is true for Christians as well. Even though they want to love their spouse or partner in a Christlike way, they seem trapped in a conflict they can’t escape. Their prayers for the relationship to improve seem to go unanswered as they slowly lose hope, they can get back what they once had.

While things may feel this way for many, there is hope for Megan and Jason, and more importantly, there is hope for you. All relationships will go through issues. The answer isn’t to give up and move on. Instead, you will need to learn how to work through the relationship issues to find the relational satisfaction you desire.

How to Work through Relationship Problems

Okay, so you are still reading which means you want to work through some problems in your relationship. That’s great. The first step is to identify the problem.

Identify the Problem

This might sound simple, but it’s particularly important. Remember the Megan and Jason story, before they can move forward, they will need to identify the conflict. The primary issues seem to be Jason’s refusal to plan for dinner after agreeing to do so. But that may not be the only issue. There also seems to be a difference of opinion on how to spend money.

Even though they agreed to cook to save money, Jason seems much more willing to spend it on food. This may signal an unvoiced difference of opinion about their finances. There may also be some gender bias behind Jason’s comment about not “being good at cooking.”

Relationships are complicated and conflicts can easily dissolve into name-calling or silence. Considering this, discovering the problem is key. If you can’t see the problem, you can’t make a plan to solve it.

In your relationship, the first step will be discovering what the issue is. There may be multiple issues, but it’s best to start with one and move forward from there. For example, Jason and Megan probably want to start with the issues of Jason not doing something he agreed to do, before having a larger discussion about gender roles and finances.

Sometimes it can be hard to isolate the issues. Maybe your emotions take over or you aren’t accustomed to standing up for your needs. Regardless of the reason, in a situation like this meeting with a Christian counselor can be tremendously helpful. A trained professional will help you mediate the conflict and be able to help you discern the problems.

Remember, it’s important to recognize that both people are involved. As Jesus said, it’s easy to see the speck in your brothers’ eye, without seeing the log in your own. A counselor can help you both see the speck and the log.

Listen to Your Partner

Once you figure out the problem, then you need to talk about it. More important than talking, is listening. Likely both you and your partner have been talking about the problem. It’s also possible that one of you has shut down and won’t talk about it. Either way, whether you tend to talk or shut down, you need to communicate with your partner and listen.

This doesn’t mean listening to them while you prepare a point-for-point counterargument. It means hearing their heart behind the pain. If your goal is to make your relationship work, then at some point you will need to put down your weapons and move toward your partner.

Truly listening is easier said than done, but it’s particularly important. The book of James says, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” (James 1:19) It’s much easier to react by becoming angry or shutting down. Listening is the difficult process of remaining open amid conflict.

Make a Plan

Once you truly listen to each other’s concerns and pain, then it is time to make a plan. It’s best to keep these plans as concrete as possible. Imagine if Megan and Jason had a heart to heart about their issues. They might come up with a plan like this.

Jason would agree to start on dinner when he finishes work. And Megan would agree to help him once she gets home and to take care of the dishes afterward. They also might decide to order out on Friday and for Megan to cook on Saturdays as a compromise. This is a clear actionable plan they’ve worked out.

They’ve heard each other’s opinions and concerns and have found a way to work out the problem around their evening meals. It will take a longer time to work out the differences of opinion of finances and gender roles, but that is for another day.

The goal of this plan is to work for both you and your partner. There are no winners or losers because you are on the same team. The goal of the plan should be for the success of your relationship. This will require give and take, but when the plan developed through open and honest communication, then you know that the decision you come to will be the best for you as a couple.

Christian Counseling

Megan and Jason can find satisfaction in their relationship through open, honest, and other-oriented communication. They aren’t destined to have silent dinners for the rest of their lives. The same is true for you. Working through your relationship issues won’t be easy. It may even require some professional help, but it is possible.

When you feel overwhelmed by conflict, remember to identify the problem, listen to your partner, and form a plan. Following this simple strategy will help you resolve conflicts, rather than just perpetuate, or ignore them.

If you feel stuck or in over your head in your relationship, then a Christian counselor may be what you need. They will be able to help your process the issues independently and as a couple to help you find the satisfaction you are hoping for in your relationship.