My Boyfriend Has Anger Issues. What Do I Do?

When you love someone, whatever affects and hurts them has a significant impact on you and your life. In a romantic relationship such as between a boyfriend and girlfriend, issues take on an added layer of complexity, because the question of your future together also comes into consideration. When your partner has anger issues, it can deeply affect your relationship, and it raises the question of what you can do about it. Firstly, it’s important to understand what are and aren’t anger issues, and to understand the options available to you at that point.

What are Anger Issues?

Most people get angry at one point or another in their lives. What causes us to get angry can depend on a variety of things, including whether we are feeling stressed, haven’t slept, or eaten well, and the issue over which our ire is stirred.

Anger is one of the emotions given to us by God; experiencing it and expressing it in healthy ways can move us toward meaningful action to remedy whatever may not be right in our orbit. Expressed well, anger can communicate the deep wells of our being and let other people know what we care about and why. Anger issues, on the other hand, signal something more troubling that should be a concern.

When someone has anger issues, what that generally means is that they either get angry easily and are therefore angry most of the time, or the way they express their anger is inappropriate in one way or another. Some signs of anger issues in a person’s life include:

• Frequent anger
• Uncontrolled anger. They don’t rule their anger; their anger rules them.
• Physical or verbal abuse. Sometimes they may even damage property when they are angry. They may shout, curse, throw or break things to express their anger.
• Anger over trivial things
• Regret over the things they say or do when angry
• Subtle expressions of anger such as giving someone the silent treatment, making snide comments, being sarcastic, or sulking.
• Directing their anger inward by isolating themselves from others or engaging in negative self-talk

Anger issues don’t always manifest themselves in the same way, but they display a similar problem of being unable to deal with anger in effective and healthy ways. Anger issues affect all kinds of people, and they can stem from a wide swathe of underlying causes.

Impact of Anger Issues on Relationships

If your relationship is plagued by anger issues, it’s safe to say that some change is needed. Anger, like other emotions, can be handled in a constructive way, but it can also be handled ineffectively and wind up being destructive to the individual and the relationship. There are a few ways in which anger issues can complicate a relationship.

When anger issues are present, it makes it difficult to communicate well. If your boyfriend has anger issues, it may mean that he gets provoked at the smallest thing, and often when uncontrolled anger enters the equation, it’s harder to reason things out calmly and productively.

Without effective communication, it’s harder for people to make their needs known and for them to be met, and that is vital for a relationship to thrive. When your boyfriend expresses his anger outwardly, such as shouting or withdrawal, it’s hard to communicate with him, especially if it happens often.

They can make the relationship unsafe. Anger issues can also make the relationship both physically and emotionally unsafe. When anger isn’t under control and it is expressed either outwardly as shouting, cursing, or through breaking things or hitting, that presents a danger to the people around them.

When your partner frequently says and does terrible things that they later regret, it can damage you emotionally and physically. Verbal or emotional abuse occurs when words are used in a way that diminishes, threatens, or isolates you.

Being yelled at, or your boyfriend hitting a wall, throwing things, or pounding his fist when he’s angry are all huge red flags for emotional abuse which you should pay close attention to. All too often, what starts as verbal or emotional abuse becomes physical abuse.

These and other possible effects of anger issues will only serve to undermine your relationship. Instead of flourishing and dealing with the root issue, you will be forced to either accommodate your partner’s anger by avoiding certain topics, or you may find yourself in danger. That is not what God intended for our relationships.

Are Anger Problems Treatable?

There are several potential causes of anger issues, including depression, stress, alcoholism, financial issues, grief, and mental health disorders such as intermittent explosive disorder, bipolar disorder, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. The good news is that these are treatable, and there is a positive outlook for those struggling with anger issues.

A mental health professional can help a person with anger issues stemming from a variety of sources. They can figure out the issues that may underlie the anger and treat those underlying causes and addressing the anger itself. Anger management, which may include medication and talk therapy, will help a person gain the skills and tools they need to understand themselves and their anger better, and to handle it more effectively going forward.

What You Can Do

If your partner has anger issues, there are several things you can do to try and address the situation. Remember, there is only so much that you can do. The person with anger issues must see for themselves that they have an issue and be willing to work to get it under control. You can support them in that journey, but ultimately it is up to them to get the help they need. Some of the steps you can take include:

Setting boundaries. Setting a boundary is about making clear what sort of behavior you will or will not tolerate. Each of us, as beings made in God’s image and as individuals with our own temperaments, can decide what we can and can’t handle. You can refuse to engage in a discussion with your partner when they begin shouting or throwing things around.

You can also challenge them to get treatment for their anger issues, and to stick to the regimen. Ultimately, you aren’t responsible for their behavior, but by setting boundaries you’re letting them know that you will not overlook their behavior and that they need to change.

Getting support. We don’t always have the answers, and so getting help from speaking with a counselor or joining a support group may be a helpful step in dealing with the situation. Additionally, seek the wisdom of people such as a trusted pastor or spiritual advisor. Hearing the perspective of a trained professional or others who have gone through and dealt with the same things may give you insight into how to address your circumstances.

Cutting ties if you can. In some circumstances, it may be best to cut ties with a partner whose anger is out of control. This may be complicated in some situations, such as if you’re dependent on them, but it may nonetheless be necessary for your safety and peace of mind.

Anger issues may show up suddenly or they may have been a consistent feature of your relationship from the beginning. Whatever the case may be, when your partner has anger issues, it is important to remember that they are responsible for their own behavior, and it is up to them to seek the treatment they need.

Anger, when it runs amok, can have detrimental effects on a relationship, affecting the trust, sense of safety, and the ability to communicate freely that mark all healthy relationships. While it may be challenging, facing the matter head-on and seeking help for anger issues will give your relationship the best chance at thriving and meeting both your needs.