Surviving Infidelity: What to Do After an Affair

A committed, intimate relationship with another person can be a little like an ocean, with depths and shallows, calm and turbulent stretches, and an endless horizon that can seem at once an invitation to adventure and a daunting prospect.

Within a marriage or other committed romantic relationship, the people commit to stick by each other and be faithful to one another. They form a union that sets them apart for each other, but that union can encounter a serious squall in the form of infidelity.

Infidelity is a reality that has plagued relationships likely for as long as there have been relationships. Websites, magazines, movies, songs, social media, and more are constantly abuzz with infidelity and engage it from one angle or another. It functions as a plot point in films, or as fodder for salacious gossip about a celebrity or politician.

These different spaces sometimes suggest ways to cheat without getting caught, give ideas for surviving infidelity, and even promote different types of infidelity. Amid all this, it’s helpful to get a clear-eyed perspective that draws on Biblical wisdom to understand not only why infidelity happens, but its human cost and ways to repair the damage it causes.

What is infidelity?

The word infidelity doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. For some people, infidelity is about having sex with a person other than the one you’re in a committed relationship with. This would include situations as diverse as a one-night stand with a stranger or colleague, soliciting prostitution or making use of an escort service, or a long-term affair. Some consider kissing infidelity, while others only consider sex to be infidelity.

For other people, infidelity includes having a deep emotional entanglement with someone other than your spouse, whether or not it includes sexual intercourse. And others consider infidelity to be the use of pornography, whether written or of visual.

The reason for such varied understandings of infidelity is that people have been formed by different experiences and narratives of what’s acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Some people participate in what they call open marriages, meaning that sex with someone other than their spouse isn’t considered infidelity.

In such situations, the couple may consider it infidelity if the interaction is something other than just purely physical or sexual, or it is infidelity if they don’t tell their spouse about it.

Infidelity thus becomes an elastic term that each couple seemingly defines for themselves, filling it with whatever content they see fit and tailoring it to fit their boundaries.

How we define infidelity in our 21^st-century North American culture often differs from what the Bible says on the subject. From a Biblical perspective, infidelity is any behavior that breaches the exclusive intimacy that ought to mark that relationship.

Jesus says looking at another person lustfully is adultery (Matthew 5:27-30), and the two lovers in Song of Songs give us a glimpse of the intended exclusivity of the marriage bond when they say, “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” (Song of Songs 6: 3, NIV).

In Proverbs we read, “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.”

What the Bible communicates to us in these verses and countless others is that there are intimacies, both physical and emotional, that belong exclusively to your spouse. When these are shared with others, that is infidelity. There are many stories in the Bible that detail the pain, confusion, and destruction that typically follow transgressing God’s boundaries for how our relationships are supposed to work.

Signs you are having an affair

It may seem obvious and unnecessary to speak of signs that one may be having an affair. Surely you know when you’re having an affair, right? If definitions of infidelity are fluid, then it can be hard to tell if you’re crossing a line. Sometimes in our self-interest, we ignore clear signs that we’re crossing a line, and we can feign ignorance or deceive ourselves about what we’re doing. Some of the signs that you’re having an affair are subtle, while others are a bit more obvious.

Some signs that you’re having or have had an affair include:

• You had or are having sexual intercourse with someone other than your committed partner. Sexual intercourse includes but isn’t limited to penetrative sex. It can include phone sex, sexting, or other forms of foreplay and sexual arousal.
• You keep certain aspects of a particular relationship a secret from your partner. This may be by way of hiding certain text messages, financial transactions, receipts of gifts you may have bought, or meetings you have had with that person.
• You get defensive or are touchy when asked about that particular relationship. This can include being defensive about the consumption of pornography.
• You spend a lot of time and energy thinking about the other person who isn’t your partner. You may find yourself pulling away from your partner and investing yourself increasingly into that other relationship.
• You may fantasize or be making plans about what it would be like to spend the rest of your life with the other person.
• If you have significant news, you’re more excited about sharing it with the other person than with your partner. You may feel like the other person understands you in ways your partner doesn’t.
• You think about the other person often, planning and anticipating the next time you see them or spend time with them.

From the above, what may at first appear as an innocent relationship or way of relating to another person may be something that is compromising the integrity of your primary relationship.

Surviving infidelity: What to do in the wake of an affair

A person can be unfaithful to their spouse without having spent ages planning or wanting to do it. Sometimes, infidelity occurs on the spur of the moment because the opportunity arose spontaneously.

Often, however, underlying these spontaneous acts may be deep-seated desires that haven’t been addressed. While it’s true that people have affairs because they are trying to shore up something that’s missing in their primary relationship, that’s not the whole story.

Infidelity occurs for other reasons too, including the desire to explore different facets of oneself or to pursue what is forbidden. Sometimes, that self-exploration includes finding out what could have been with a past relationship; that’s one reason why people have affairs with an ex. Others have affairs because they are seeking revenge against a spouse or partner that had an affair.

A variety of motives may be lurking beneath the surface, or they may be apparent to you as you pursue the affair. You must be honest with yourself about the reasons for being unfaithful. If you are unhappy with your relationship, it’s good to own that, just as it is good to own your desire for a person other than your spouse. Without that honesty, it’s difficult to move forward.

In addition to being honest with yourself about what you did and why you did it, you need to be honest with your partner about whatever happened. Infidelity is a sign that something isn’t as it should be, in your relationship or within yourself. You owe it to your spouse to work through these issues and questions honestly.

While infidelity may seem harmless, and some subscribe to the ‘what they don’t know won’t hurt them’ school of thought, it does affect your partner. Being involved with another person means your intimate bond in the primary relationship is being undermined and not receiving the nurture and attention it requires. An affair takes from the primary relationship, which is why it needs to be addressed.

Being honest with your spouse means being open to your spouse getting angry, leaving you, or asking you uncomfortable questions about the affair. There are consequences for every action and addressing an affair means accepting the consequences of it.

Your partner may ask you how the infidelity began, who it’s with, how long it’s been going on for, whether it’s over, and what your feelings are for the other person. This scrutiny is necessary for them to understand the situation and begin processing their emotions concerning it. They may decide to stay and work on your relationship, or they may decide to leave the relationship.

Unless you desire for the infidelity to continue, your way forward should not just be words that indicate a desire for change, but consistent actions that mark true transformation. That means ending the affair, working on whatever issues fueled the infidelity, and being more accountable to your partner. This may include going for counseling and allowing them to have access to your devices for accountability.

Surviving infidelity: Finding help

Even if a relationship is rocked by infidelity, there is the hope of recovery and strengthening the relationship. This requires the couple to be honest with each other and themselves, and it requires work.

Couples counseling and marriage counseling can help a couple better understand the dynamics of their relationship. Should couples counseling not be an option, individual counseling can help a person understand their own thought processes as well as patterns of thought and behavior that may be driving infidelity.

Counseling is an environment where individuals and couples can safely explore their thoughts and emotions, learn to understand one another and the impact of their actions on each other, and strengthen their bond.

Your counselor can help cultivate your emotional and physical intimacy, as well as help you develop better communication and conflict-resolution skills. Whether you or your partner have had an affair, counseling can help you get back on track and rebuild your relationship.

Contact our office to begin working through possible issues of infidelity in your marriage. We are here to help you find the peace and love you deserve.